There are some ways of thinking and talking to yourself that are helpful…and others that are not. Here’s how to turn down the volume on negative self-talk.

Reduce Negative
Self-Talk

By A Portland Career, and edited by Jelena Grove, Dan Hahn, M.S., and Suzie Sherman

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reduce negative self talk be the lion

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around us.”  

– Marianne Williamson 

 

If you’re unhappily employed or unemployed, you’ll find there are some ways of thinking and talking to yourself that are helpful… and others that just aren’t. We’ve come up with a few good techniques to help you reduce negative self-talk. They probably won’t all resonate with you, though there’s a strong possibility something in here will help you to more fully show up for yourself while you’re pursuing your career dreams.  

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reduce negative self talk - be like Spock

Be Like Mr. Spock

First, identify the inner voices that masquerade as an authority figure or the voice of reason. They might be internalized from your parents, grandparents, or other sources. Your job is to expose their habit of exaggeration and their “know it all” tone. They sometimes use absolutes like “no one,” “never,” and “always.” They sometimes sneer! Your goal with this technique is to invoke Star Trek’s utterly logical Mr. Spock to change the vocabulary to express a more objective, accurate reality.  

Negative Self-Talk (self-defeating, emotional, and unrealistic): I’ll never get into a key organization like the Bureau of Planning and Sustainability, Weiden + Kennedy, or Laika Studios. Everyone else is more experienced. Besides, no one is hiring in these organizations. 

Mr. Spock Self-Talk (rational): These are competitive jobs, so I need to find out what I will need in my portfolio to stand out among other candidates. 

reduce negative self talk bridge
Cody Hiscox via Unsplash

Be The Bridge

Maybe you have a dream of working for a renowned creative firm. However, the gap between where you are and this dream may be so large that you are immobilized. Simply repeating a grand affirmation to overcome this feeling can make things worse because it just doesn’t feel credible—more like naive self-deception.

Try bridging the gap with a series of smaller transitional beliefs to get your confidence up. “I can apply to a smaller company first,” or “I can land an internship to build my chops,” might be thoughts or action steps to take in the direction of your dream.

Negative Belief: I’ll never work as a life coach. 

Bridge Belief: For now, I can get and enjoy a job where I facilitate the growth of a team of co-workers while I start building my coaching practice. 

“Bridge beliefs” are a concept developed by a former colleague of Vicki’s, Sid Smith.

reduce negative self talk be like malala

Be Like Malala Yousafzai

Choose a real-life role model from the public arena—someone like Malala Yousafzai, who has overcome even more obstacles and fears than you face. Read about them. Put up their photographs and quotes. Celebrate how they did not “play themselves small.”

You can also choose people you admire from your own life. They may not be famous enough to have an autobiography you can read, but you can ask to talk to them about their experiences, hardships, and their strategies for overcoming them.

Negative Option: I’m totally overwhelmed with fears over changing my career. I feel intimidated by talking to experts in my field of interest, and frankly I just don’t think I’m capable enough to pursue this line of work. My head is spinning and I have no idea what to do next. I think I’ll just binge watch Arrested Development on Netflix instead.

Malala Yousafzai Option: I really admire Malala Yousafzai, and I’ve always wanted to learn more about her story. Instead of binge watching TV, I’ll read her book and see where I can draw on her courage to become inspired, see things from a new perspective, and take action.

reduce negative self talk mom img
via Pixabay

Be The Compassionate Mom

When you started believing and internalizing toxic messages, you were in a young and vulnerable condition. Hush your negative thoughts as if you were comforting a child; treat yourself as you would treat a tender infant who deserves unquestioning nurturance and reassurance. Learn to recognize when you are in this state and what you can do for self-care. Get in touch with people who make you feel safe and smart and who cheer for your success.  

Negative Option: I don’t know about changing careers. Everything about it is such a huge challenge. Maybe it’s best if I just keep doing what I’ve been doing. I’m not fulfilled, but it’s safe and I can do it in my sleep. 

Compassionate Mom Option: Hmm…what would my wonderful mom tell me? I bet she’d say, “Honey, you can do anything you put your mind to. You are smart, talented, and strong. Just take it one step and a time and you’ll succeed. I just know it!” OK, that’s what I’ll do!”

Note: If your mom doesn’t fit this description, think of someone in your life who does and spend more time with that individual, seeking their counsel. Make a point to express how much you value them.

reduce negative self talk cloud img
via Ian Stauffer on Unsplash

Be The Zen Cloud

Remind yourself that feeling fear is a natural part of being human and taking risks. Buddhists say that pain does not come from the actual situation, but from how our minds get attached to what we desire. We believe that a temporary feeling is real and important because it often shows up in our body as a real feeling. 

Negative Option: My stomach is tight and I can’t eat. I’m so nervous about this interview. 

Zen-Cloud Option: OK, I’m going to imagine my fear sitting on a gray rain cloud. I think I’ll make myself a cup of tea and enjoy that while I imagine the cloud evaporating as the sun comes out, warming me and giving me strength. 

bringing her flours

Live in the Moment

In the movie Stranger Than Fiction, Will Ferrell begins to hear the voice of Emma Thompson narrating his life. She describes his life as lonely and robotic in its precision. He takes relatively little notice until she says, ”Little did he know…events had been set in motion that would lead to his imminent death.” He then begins a quest to discover her identity, which proves challenging. In the meantime, he decides to shake up his staid life and really “live,” pursuing interests like music and a beautiful, intense baker played by Maggie Gyllenhaal. He woos Gyllenhaal with a box of flours (yes, flours, for baking!) and tells her, “I want you,” drawing courage from the prospect of his impending death.

Negative Option: I know I’m on autopilot and I guess I’m OK with that. I’ll just stay in this job because it is safe and comfortable, even though I’m not satisfied.

Live-in-the-Moment Option: You know what? I’m tired of doing the safe thing and listening to these voices in my head that won’t let me take risks. They aren’t even interesting…if only they had a cultured British accent or something. In this very moment I am refusing to live in fear of the unknown. Instead, right now I’m going to send Jane—the creative director I met at the Meetup last week—an email and invite her for coffee. 

reduce negative self talk clooney img

Be Like George Clooney

When you feel your confidence slipping, particularly before a job interview or a stressful meeting, imagine the most confident person you can think of. Maybe it’s Angeline Jolie, maybe it’s George Clooney, or maybe it’s your Aunt Maude. Channel this person temporarily to draw on their bravado. Throw in one of Amy Cuddy’s power poses—raise your fists above your head to form a V with your arms and hold this pose for a minute. 

Fun fact: Research has shown that the power pose can boosts our confidence temporarily, possibly because it raises our testosterone levels.

Negative Self-Talk: This meeting has been going on a long time and I have an idea I’d like to share at this point, but I don’t think anyone will listen to me. It’s probably not that great of an idea anyway. 

George Clooney Self-Talk: I think I will present my idea anyway. I’m going to sit tall, relax my shoulders and pretend I’m George Clooney; he’s a good choice because he exudes charm and confidence. If anyone challenges me, I’m going to remember to take a deep breath, project an air of gravitas, and answer with, “You raise a valid point. Let me think about that. I most definitely want to come up with a solution because your point is important. I’ll get back to you when I have one.”

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.”

– Willie Nelson

Key takeaways

  • Channel your inner Mr. Spock and use logic and rationality to put the emotional, self-defeating, and unrealistic voices in your head to rest 
  • Instead of creating grandiose, self-deceptive or deluding affirmations, create smaller “bridge beliefs” that are more positive than your current beliefs about yourself, but feel credible and elicit less resistance
  • Posture, specifically so-called “power posing,” can positively impact the way you feel, and you can practice these postures during times of stress or insecurity to boost your confidence
  • Mindfulness practices may help you dispel irrational fears and live in the moment so you can take risks and maintain a sense of calm 
  • Gain a new perspective on your situation by reading about role models who were faced with tremendous difficulties––and succeeded in overcoming them

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